Weight Up, As Expected... Awesome.

I like a few things that MyFitnessPal does, but if I was to be totally honest, I only use it because some of my friends use it.  I am a fan of LoseIt as well, but I can't seem to get anyone else to cross over and try it.  Since I like knowing that other people are watching me and making sure I post stuff, I stick with MFP.  Here is one thing I really do appreciate: They give an estimate of where your weight will be if you eat the way you did that specific day, every day.  Take the screenshot I have here...

My birthday disaster, if consistent, would land me heavier than I started.  Granted, it still wouldn't be at my heaviest, but I am so f***in sick of being fat that this makes me cringe more than most could possibly understand.  I should get a day every now and then shouldn't I?  Yes, but not one as out of control as this one was.  In order to lose a lb. in one week, you have to have at least a 3500 calorie deficit. Right?  Right.  I almost ate that deficit in one day, so that puts me back almost a full week.  WTF.  I said I wouldn't get angry and I'm not.  Definitely frustrated though.  It's so fricken easy to talk yourself into reasons why it's okay to f*** up and so much harder to talk yourself out of it.  Is it ever going to be the reverse or am I always going to be struggling every single damn time?  B****ing done...

Smoking Status Report... Still smoke free... 5 Days, 20 Hours and Counting.  Do I feel better?  I think so.  I'm coughing more than before, but apparently that is because my lungs are repairing and kicking out the crap as they go.  I did run more last Friday than I have in years, so I'd say I'm improving.  That fact has helped me all weekend.  I keep thinking about how if I keep myself from smoking, running will get easier and easier.  My circulation will continue to improve and my lungs will slowly clean up.  Not to mention the other improvements that will come along with it.

And the spiral begins...

I managed to leave my gym shoes in the wrong car today which meant having to drive 45-50 minutes round trip to be able to get back to the gym.  Enter Kim who thinks way too much... Gym will be busy by then, people stare at me, guess that means no gym.  Since I'm leaving work right at 3:30 anyways, I might as well grab the groceries I need.  What is one basic thing all people know to never be when they go to the grocery store?  Especially people trying to lose weight..?  Never go to the store HUNGRY.  I had a whole plan of what I was going to get when I drove into the parking lot, but that started to change the moment I started walking into the store.  Sooooo... It's another day I can flush down the toilet.  One good thing that came out of the day is that I did get everything I need for the crock-pot soup I have planned for the week.  A healthy crock-pot soup.  There are a few things I grabbed tonight that now need to go to school with me tomorrow because if they stay in the house, I'll continue to eat them.  Go me.

Goal is to get to bed early tonight, get to school early so I can leave right at 3 and hit the gym.  Secret Santa begins on Wednesday, so I have some shopping to do tomorrow night.

First Solid Face Plant

Today is my birthday.  Yay, woohoo, yippee ki yay mother f****r! 

31.  All my students will be excited to tell me how much older I am tomorrow since a couple friends of mine made sure my bday made the school announcements on Friday.  Every year for the last 14, I have told myself that this will be the year where I finally lose weight.  This will be the year I finally reach my goals and feel more like a success than a failure.  Every year, I get worse.  Not better.  New Year's Resolutions are always the same as well.  Once again, I make the same proclamation.  However, I'm changing things up this time.

First, let's cover the disaster of today.  Olive Garden.  Every year I want to go to Olive Garden for my birthday.  Why?  Because I'm smart enough to stay away during the rest of the year.  I might go one other time during the year, but it's rare.  I am an Italian fiend and can easily eat thousands of calories in one visit to the place.  2,175 calories in one meal.  Add over 2,000 calories in tacos and soda from Taco Bell and you've got one hell of an awesome day.  Oh! Let's not forget about the fact that I skipped the gym today.  Over 4,000 calories + no gym = a definite weight gain tomorrow.  I've been pretending that this doesn't bother me, but obviously it does.  This leads to the changes I need to make this time around.

I can't let myself get crazy upset every time I slip up.  Some would say that I need to let myself get angry, that it'll help me keep myself honest and make sure I refrain from making more mistakes.  I counter that with the fact that every time I have allowed myself to become frustrated, I have slipped up more and more.  I eat my feelings.  I eat myself into a depression.  Once it starts, it is crazy hard to stop and allowing myself to get upset, often starts that cycle.  My plan is to start learning from why I slip up.  From there I can learn what I truly need to work towards either counter-acting or avoiding completely.  I sound so philosophical right now.  Don't get used to it.

Next part of the plan... I'm going to actually cook this time around.  Before, I depended on Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones meals.  I realize that I struggle to limit my salt content, but these meals make it impossible to stay even close to the daily limit.  I still bust over that limit regularly, but not by nearly as much as when I only eat those meals.  Also, I don't want to depend on those meals for the rest of my life.  I do hope that one day a guy might actually become interested in me and something tells me that he won't want to eat microwaved meals every night.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.  My love life, lack thereof, and hopes for one is totally a topic for a completely new post.  It's complicated and incredibly annoying.

What next?  Exercise for stress relief, fun, and as part of a schedule.  I've said before that I would treat the gym like an appointment, but I have yet to actually hold to that.  With the winter really starting to roll in, I need to get a plan in gear as to how I will tackle this problem.  The gym is going to have to become something I hit at least five times/week, but I really need to come up with a variety of work outs.  If I get bored, I'm more likely to give up on the gym.  Believe it or not, I like exercise.  I like the relief and I like the endorphin rush afterwards.  It's hard right now though, really hard.  I have so much weight that it is a hurdle I have to jump every time I workout.  I want it gone.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and have it gone forever.  At the same time, I want to earn this.  I want to know that I fought for every step and did it on my own.  

Enough writing for tonight.  My birthday is almost over and I plan to lounge on the couch with my pup and watch some TV until the day is done!

Smoke?

I have a confession to make.  I'm a smoker.  Well, I was a smoker until Tuesday.  Tuesday at 11:20 PM was my last cigarette.  Hopefully forever.  At least that is the plan right now.  I know, I know, I haven't even gone 72 hours without a smoke and I'm talking about forever already.  I've quit before, more than once.  I actually quit in February and stayed smoke free until August.  I quit from 2008-2010, but picked that back up until this past February.  Both times I used smoking as a stress reliever.  In 2010, the woman I was living with decided to break her half of the lease to move in with her boyfriend.  She moved out while I was at work one day and then refused to pay her half of the rent (which she promised she would do when I spoke to her right after she moved out).  To top it off, her dog had chewed on the window frames around the bottom of the house and done thousands in damage.  When the landlords came up to see me and assess the situation, I smoked a cigarette on the porch while I waited for them to arrive.  It went from there... In August I was the Maid of Honor in a wedding for one of my closest college friends.  She and I smoked together all through college and for years after, so I let myself give in that weekend.  However, I did stop when the weekend was over... until September 6th.  I still view that as the breaking point because I was able to smoke for a weekend and then quit; so when I had a softball tournament a couple weeks later, I thought I could do it again.  I was wrong.  I've tried quitting a couple times since I started back up, but haven't made it past one day each time.  Technically I'm at the longest point right now since September.  What sucks about doing this right now is the issues with weight.

Side effects to Chantix- Weight Gain and Increased Appetite
Side effects of quitting smoking- Weight Gain and Increased Appetite

Awesomeness...

So far, the scale hasn't moved.  It's super annoying.  I'm still getting to the gym 5-6 times/week.  I'm eating under my calorie limit each day (except Monday, I was over by 300 cals).  There hasn't been a change.  That's better than a gain, but it is still super frustrating.  I know I shouldn't be weighing in each day, but I'm curious.  Plus there are more and more studies coming out that show that people who have a significant amount of weight to lose and weigh themselves each day, are more likely to lose more weight.  Don't believe me, read this.

Okay, I need to head to a meeting.

Snacking Success... Kind of.

No snow day.  I have a feeling that the higher-ups heard a lot of complaints today.  It might have had something to do with the freezing rain, sleet, and snow that all kept rotating throughout the day.  The roads were stellar when I left school today... As in, a 20 minute drive turned into almost 50 minutes.  Tractor trailors were jackknifed on the interstate and cars were off the road all over.  Made for an entertaining and stressful afternoon, which led to the desire to snack.

First thought was to stop at the store on the way home and grab something evil.  Chips, dip, pizza, something I really shouldn't have, anything.  I didn't stop.  I went straight home, let the dog out, searched the cupboards for something I shouldn't have... I found peppers in the fridge.  And a cucumber.  So I cut the peppers and part of the cucumber up and had a snack.  Only down side... The ranch wasn't low-calorie or fat free.  I figure if that if that's my biggest worry, then I'm doing pretty well.

Weather is supposed to be entertaining tomorrow as well.  It could go one of two ways, either the Super's office holds strong and we have school or they cancel.  If they were super smart I think they'd just call for a delay since the storm warning ends at 10.  That gives them enough time to clear the roads and make sure people get to school safely.  Although the freezing rain, sleet and snow are all supposed to continue all day... Welcome to VT!

Cheat Night Justification..?

If you're truly trying to lose weight, is there justification for a cheat night?  I say yes.  Mainly because if I can't break and have one evil meal on occasion, well, a binge will probably happen.  Then again, maybe I'm just justifying my evening.

I rocked the treadmill today.  I've been tracking my distance and calorie burns during a 60 minute treadmill workout since last week.  My goal is to keep increasing both by adding interval training and increasing my jogging.  My distance went up a quarter mile today from my starting point on Friday!  And I was so psyched by how I did on Friday!  Plus, I burned almost 100 more calories today than last week.  What does that have to do with a cheat night?  I felt like I deserved it.  I had been under my calorie count for five days, so shouldn't I be able to have a bad day?  No, not really.  I get that now, but at the time, it seemed like a plausible excuse.  The better idea would have been to pick one evil food and pair it with some healthy foods.  Then I probably would have stayed under my calorie count, instead of blowing over it like I did today.  Fried pickles, mozzarella sticks and a crispy buffalo chicken salad.  All delicious and all regrettable.  

I've been able to get around cravings by reminding myself of my end goal, but tonight was for some reason just not a good one for me.  I definitely need to figure out a back up plan for future bad nights...

In other random news... I need to get the issues with my right foot/ankle figured out.  It kind of feels like my tibia and fibula are grinding into my foot.  As in, bone on bone.  I've been dealing with it for a while, but the more I walk/jog, the worse it seems to be getting.  Since I can't stand doctors, I will probably continue to try and ignore this problem even though I know it could make things a lot worse.  Then again, it could just be "Hey, you're a fatty and you need to lose some weight to give your bones and joints some relief."  Probably not the PC way a doctor would tell me, but pretty much what they would be saying.  Bonus to this whole situation is that I apparently hyper extended my little toe while on the treadmill last night.  I felt it when I did it, ignored it, kept going.  Because I ignored it, I forgot about it.  Until this morning that is.  When I got out of bed, I felt a sharp sting and pain under my little toe.  Being the size I am, it was a struggle to look under my little toe.  When I finally did, I discovered that not only did I hyper extend my little toe, I apparently did it so bad that it tore the skin.  I had to ask the school nurse (a friend) to help me patch it up because I couldn't see it well enough to do it myself.  She was impressed that I managed to hyper extend it enough to rip the skin.  Talent?  Yup.  Pain in the a**?  Definitely.  Guess it explains the blood I found in my sock last night.

Snow day tomorrow?  Kids were a bit too excited, so I doubt it.

Grades done.  Interesting TV show.  I'm out.

Crock-Pot Madness

Two recipes this weekend.  Two successful recipes.  When did I turn into such a cooking nerd?  I mean, I've always liked cooking, but I feel like I'm becoming obsessive.  One of the recipes is posted under my recipes tab, but I haven't finished getting the second put away...

Made it to the gym again today.  I've been trying to time it so that I go during times where there are less people so I can watch TV with the volume.  I need the distraction to keep me from focusing on the challenge of keeping myself on the treadmill.  One ear bud in so I can still hear the TV and my fast paced music at the same time.  I know it annoys some people when the volume is on the TVs, hence the effort to avoid others.  Plus the minor fact that I always feel like others are judging me and watching my blubber jiggle every time I step.  Yeah, yeah, I know that not all people are doing that, but then again... some are.  For example, there was a woman today on the treadmill next to me who kept glancing at the screen on my treadmill.  It was super annoying because I know I wasn't flying like her at 6 mph.  Hanging out between 3.0-3.5 mph was definitely not impressive.  And I'm jumping to conclusions... who knows what she was thinking when she looked at my screen.  If she knew me, she'd be thinking, damn, she was struggling to stay at 3.2 mph just a week ago!  And she just did 15 minutes at 3.5! Awesome!  Maybe, maybe not.  I'd love to say that I don't care, but unfortunately, a small part of me does.  So, what did I think about today as I was walking?  I thought about how in six months, I want the same people that I feel like are judging me to see a transformation and rethink their original conclusions about me.  Even if they're all in my head. 

And there's a problem I really need to work on...  My head.  My self-confidence sucks and has for quite some time. So, how do I fix that?  How do I work on that?  New challenge... Need to research.  

And need to go put the peppers away and crash for the night...

Experiment Time

Sooo... I didn't sleep insanely long, but I did take my time getting out of bed this morning.  Facebook is like a bottomless vortex that I was more than happy to let suck me in this morning.  I finally rolled out around 10, made a few boiled eggs for breakfast, and watched TV.  Slacker, yup.  It was raining and icky out, so my motivation was definitely lacking.   At least I spent the TV time also figuring out what I was going to cook this weekend for my lunches and dinners for the week.  I ended up choosing two different crock pot meals, so I could also freeze some.  Around 1, I hit the grocery store and spent way more money than I was okay with.  I love all the people that say eating healthy isn't more expensive than eating junk.  I could eat Ramen every night on a dinner budget of less than $5 for a WHOLE WEEK.  I'm happy if my healthy dinners come to roughly $5 EACH night, because that means I'm doing well.  Yes, I'm b**ching.  Will I stop trying to be healthy because of it?  No.  I am saving money elsewhere though, mainly because I don't order out nearly as much or go out to eat very often either.  

I didn't have anything set for lunch at home, so I made a salad at the grocery store salad bar and grabbed a small cup of American Chop Suey (AKA Goulash).  This was a minor victory on my part because Goulash has been a trigger food for me in the past and I tend to binge on it.  Not only did I not fill the "small" cup, but I cruised right by all the areas in the store where I normally grab junk.  

Once I got home I planned to eat and throw together the Italian Pasta Soup to cook during the afternoon, but I discovered that I had made a mistake with the soup.  First, I forgot the tomato sauce.  Second, it's not a crock pot soup, it's a one pot soup.  Well, crap.  Guess I would have to go back out again, why not go to the gym while I was at it?  An hour on the treadmill, 20 minutes of lifting (just arms), a stop at the local deli for tomato sauce, and I was ready to roll.  And just in case anyone is wondering... I do plan to add more lifting as time goes on, but I'm still working on getting my strength up right now.

What about the one pot soup?  Well, that's turned into an experiment.  I'm trying it in the crockpot instead, with a few minor tweaks to hopefully make it work.  Guess I'll know more in the morning...

Fat Habits...

One of the things I really love about walking is that it gives me time to think.  Most of the time I think about what I can't wait to do when I lose weight, the clothes I'll get to wear, and how much better I'll feel.  Other times I think about what a pain it is to be so overweight.  Tonight, it was the latter. This train of thought continued after I left the gym and is still running through my mind.  I'm guessing that the fact I am so sore has something to do with it as I know that this wouldn't happen to someone physically fit after doing so little.  I mean, I didn't even get past two sets with my arms on Tuesday because I could tell I had already pushed myself harder than before and was looking at some future pain.  Then on Thursday, I pushed myself on the treadmill to walk a consistent 3.5 mph and even jogged a total of four minutes at 4.5 mph.  Wow! Four whole minutes, how exciting!  Well, it was for me.  Then, I did one whole set of leg exercises on four different machines followed by some lunges.  As I hit my 8th rep of lunges, I felt something tweak in both my groin and quad... so I did some stretching and headed home.  I've been struggling to sit on a toilet like a normal person ever since.  Bonus to being an athlete in the past is that I know the soreness will pass and I'll be laughing at this post in a month or two.  However, it does lead me to consider the numerous things that have become a part of my overweight life.  Things that I have done in the past, but don't do as much now that I'm trying to get healthier.

• Staying up insanely late and then sleeping 10+ hours on the weekends.  Or, staying up way too late and only getting 4-5 hours of sleep during the week.
• Buying $30-$40 worth of take out and eating it all in one night.
• Binge watching TV or movies and mindlessly eating snacks while I sit on the couch.
• Reading book after book, day after day and only knowing it's a beautiful day outside when I take a minute to hit the bathroom.
• Only showering every two-three days because it is such a pain to try to clean every flubbery bit of my body.  (Think I'm gross, but more people do this than you realize. Deodorant and body spray are amazing things!)
• Wearing the same outfits every week because I have such a small collection of clothes that actually fit.  I have two bureaus and a closet and a half full of clothes... They just don't fit.  Every time I get too big for something, I add it to my collection in hopes that I will soon be able to fit into it again. I can almost fit into a pair of gray slacks that I bought last year when I hit 255.  It's a little crazy how excited I am about that...
• Always having an excuse as to why I can't participate in the faculty-student games or show my athletes how to complete drills. When in reality, I'm not able to do either because I'll embarrass myself.  By the time Spring rolls around, I want this to be a thing of the past!
• Only taking pictures when the camera is at a high angle.  And from the neck up.  And only with a closed mouth smile because showing my teeth also means showing how huge my chipmunk cheeks get! And... 95% of the time only when I'm wearing make-up...
• Not dating.  Mainly because I'm afraid of what guys will think of me when they see me and also the fact that I have convinced myself that no one would ever want to date a "fat chick" like me.  We won't even get into how long it has been since I've slept with anyone...
• Dealing with having a period that either last weeks/months or ends up MIA for weeks/months, and not really doing anything about it because I know what the doctors are going to say.  "Lose weight."  "You're hormones are out of balance because of your weight."  Blah, blah, blah... I've heard it a few times now.  I get it...
• Having constant acne because of the amount of sugar I take in every day.
• Watching my dog slowly become overweight because I can't take her out to play for longer than five minutes without becoming winded.
• Letting clutter build up in my apartment because I'm too "tired" (lazy) to clean up after myself and having to spend one day every other week doing a mass clean.

I know I'm missing some stuff that should be on this list, but the more I think about this stuff, the more annoyed with myself I get.  This is for a couple different reasons... On one hand, I can't believe that I have been such a lazy slob off and on for the past few years.  Then, on the other hand, I find myself kind of missing some of those obnoxious habits.  WTF!?

I'm up late... But I'm NOT sleeping 10+ hours!

SORE!

I started lifting and am now paying the price of soreness.  I was really big into lifting when I was in college and I have to admit that being sore feels pretty good.  Knowing that I actually did something to help build muscle which in turn, will help burn more fat, is kind of awesome.  However, I am going to be walking a little stiff tomorrow, but hopefully my arms and chest will be close to recovering as I want to get another arm workout in on Saturday.  

Switching gears... Being single makes cooking decent, yummy meals a royal pain in the A**!  Whenever I buy meats, there's always a minimum of three pieces, normally more.  Freezing is then a must and meats tend to not be as great when defrosted as they are when they're fresh.  So I have started buying meats at one of the local delis, where I can actually get just ONE chicken breast or ONE steak.  Only problem here is that these are HUGE cuts of meat.  Think I'm exaggerating? The marinated 1/2 chicken breast I bought tonight was ONE POUND!  Yes, 1/2!!!  I actually had enough calories that I could have eaten the whole thing, but I cut it in half (half of a half, gotta love math) and wrapped the other half back up.  Throw that together with a sweet potato and asparagus and I had an amazing dinner!  Probably the best part was that the combined cost of my whole meal was less than $5 and it tasted great.  One way I'm going to continue to tackle the food challenge is to really utilize my crock-pot.  Which brings me to my newest challenge for myself...

One crock-pot dish/week through March.  That's my challenge, although I may have to take one week in February off as I will be in New Mexico visiting my parents.  However, they're staying at my great-uncle's house and he might have a crock-pot!  Is this lame?  Probably a bit... But I don't care.  I need a challenge relating to food that forces me to be creative and not fall into a rut of eating the same things over and over again.  I'm trying super hard to avoid relying on Lean Cuisine's or Smart Ones as my main dinners, especially since I know the salt content is out of this world.  Plus, I really am trying to make this a lifestyle change and not just some temporary fix.

Alright, I need some ibuprofen and to start thinking about getting ready for bed.  

The Struggle Continues...

I joined the gym Monday.

Was good about getting a workout in both Monday and Tuesday and then there was today...

I'm allergic to concentrated perfumes.  I can handle body mists/sprays, but perfume makes me itchy and depending on the kind, I can break out in hives.  Cool kid, right here.  What does this have to do with anything?  It became my excuse today.  My excuse to skip the gym, my excuse to snack more than I should have, and my excuse to slack when I got home.  I had to take 100 mg of Benadryl after one of my students sprayed perfume all over themselves while they sat right next to me.  First I was hyper, then cranky and finally exhausted.  I could have put my head down on my table and fallen asleep right at school.  Put homework lab on top of that, meaning I didn't get out until 4, and you've got a perfect storm of excuses all lined up.

Then I found whoppers and Reese's mini cups...

And still ate a baked potato and steamed bag of veggies and pasta.  Normally this would be okay, but on top of the 500 cals of chocolate I inhaled?  Ugh.

THEN!  I got it in my head that I should go to the store and get something else to eat.  So I got in my car and took off in the direction of one of the local stores with a hot food deli.  Not even two miles from my apartment and I realized how badly I was sabotaging myself. I continued to drive, but altered my plan.  Instead, I used the mini-trip to clear my head and didn't stop at the store.  What's weird and somewhat corny are the different thoughts that went through my head.  "I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life." "My night isn't ruined, but it will be if I don't get a grip right now."  "Eating more crap is not worth the disappointment I will feel later."  So, I came up with a strategy to attempt to save the day and the week.  It's only Wednesday, but I have developed a pattern of eating either very close to my calorie count or over it.  Close is okay, over is not if I want to keep hitting my goals.


Immediately after I took my dog out, I got busy with chores around the apartment.  Since then I have drank almost 40 oz. of water and used my step to get some extra steps in.  I'm feeling better, but still slightly annoyed with how my day went from being right on plan to taking a hard turn into s--t.  Granted, I guess it's still better than the days of total crap I was constantly having prior to November.

I will get to the gym tomorrow and I will stay under my calorie count.

Sleep...

The amount of sleep you get affects your day.  Duh.  

As many dozens of times as I have heard and experienced what sleep deprivation can do, I have to admit I was surprised by something that happened earlier this week.  It was the day after I made those silly Oreo turkeys and only got about 3.5 hours of sleep.  About half way through the day I was standing by some of the offices in school when I realized I was obsessing over food.  I also realized that the fact that I was so tired was a big part of why I couldn't stop thinking of every possible comfort food I normally turn to.  It was like some weird light bulb went off in my head and I understood exactly at that moment what my problem was.  Probably helps explain why Wednesday ended up being such a face plant.  I managed to fend off my urges that night, but not the next day.

I know that Wednesday won't be the last day I fall apart, but gradually building on my knowledge as to why will eventually help me decrease those days more and more.

Joining the gym tomorrow... Should be entertaining!

Thanksgiving Week Entertainment

Haven't disappeared, just been busy and distracted.

I definitely had the time to post over the past couple days, I just kind of slipped into my normal self-destruction.  It's always entertaining when you actually think through the crap that you're doing, but still do it... 

Monday night I made these for my students and colleagues for school on Tuesday...

 

The Northeastern that hit yesterday trapped me in my apartment and I made the mistake of stopping at a store on my way home and grabbing chips, dip and chicken fettuccine alfredo.  I knew that I shouldn't, but I still did. Part of me thought that since I had been good and walked just shy of six miles, I should get a prize.  Especially since I did a very graceful face plant in the Rite Aide parking lot.  The people who stopped to check on my probably thought I was nuts because I was laughing so hard.  The snow started when I was only about half done (an hour earlier then it was supposed to!), but I forced myself to keep going.  I was soaked, sore, and wanted something evil when I finished.

Don't stop at the store.
But you're going to be trapped for at least a day...
So! You have healthy food at home!
Thanksgiving is going to be a disaster anyways though, so why not!?
You're an idiot and you're going to get the crappy food, aren't you?
Yup.

Yeah... It was probably even more entertaining than that, but it's about all I can remember.  I really need to write the s--t down that goes through my head right off.  To make matters worse, the snow fell super fast and my little VW almost didn't make it up two different hills.  I thought I was going to get trapped in my car.  

I ate ALL of the food when I got home.  

And then ate tons of food today.

Sooooo... I'm getting back on track tomorrow and aiming to at least break even this week.  A loss would be a bonus, but a gain is still not something I'm okay with (when is anyone really okay with a gain unless they're a wrestler trying to go up a weight class?).  Which means I need to kick a** the next few days!

A group of colleagues and I always chip in when it's someone's birthday and one of my friends asked if they could actually get something extra useful for me.  My birthday is in just over two weeks and a few of my colleagues are aware of my health issues and my need to lose weight, so they're putting the money towards a gym membership for me.  My friend is kicking in the balance and I'll pay her back over the next few months (6 month membership).  Part of me wants to just pay it all back right off, but then I won't be accountable to her.  Is that weird?  Probably a bit.  

Time to finish the movie "Tammy" and get some sleep!



Snow (I live in Southern VT)...

 Shovel blade is 15"...

First Meal Out

Not a diet, a life change right?  Still feels like a diet right now.  And it kinda feels like I'm trapped in my apartment when it comes to food.  Planning.  There's that obnoxious fricken word again.    If I plan meals out, I can eat out.  Winging it is not a good idea.  Unless you're going to Applebee's.  Well, that's how I swung it today when my friend and I were trying to decide on where to go to lunch.  I knew that they have a low calorie section to their menu and I knew I could find something on it that I'd like.  Even with that knowledge, I still argued with myself about whether or not I was going to eat healthy. I'm sure the woman in the stall next to me in Applebee's bathroom totally thought I was nuts.  I might not have been all out talking, but I was definitely whispering to myself.  Weirdo, yup.  Did I order a healthy meal?  Yup.  Did I also get a side salad with regular ranch dressing? Ummm, maybe... So it wasn't a 100% success, but it was better than it would have been a few weeks ago.

I recommend Applebee's Roma Pepper Steak as it was super delicious.

Okay, I'm tired.

Let's Talk About Excuses...

What's a good excuse?  What's a bad one?

Wait, before we get into that... The fricken cupcake.  Eyeroll, Sigh, Single Finger Salute!

I ate half of it at lunch with the intention of saving the rest for dessert Thursday night.  I'm a teacher.  More specifically, I'm a Title I Reading Teacher who works closely with kids who often forget there are boundaries.  I knew I had to hide that cupcake if I wanted it to make it home.  I didn't hide it well enough.  When I went to pull it out of the basket I had put it in (and then put on top of a 7' shelf), I discovered that it was missing most of the frosting!  It was in a plastic container!  A mouse did not do that, but I'm suspicious of a certain student of mine who had red stained lips at the end of the day.  At first I was super annoyed and then... I was still annoyed, but also okay with it.  Talk about removing temptation.

ANYWAYS!

I've mentioned excuses before in a preachy manner and then in a more realistic one, but I have to ask the question; when are excuses legit?  Do you truly believe that excuses never are good enough? I'm torn right now, because I know I could have planned better and prepared myself for what I knew was going to be a potential disaster tonight.  I had biopsies done today.  Cervical and Endometrial (any guys still reading?).  By no means are these debilitating procedures, but they are not exactly comfortable.  Kind of like having menstrual cramps from hell... that last for hours and hours and potentially days.  Was I in the mood for my normal 3.5-4 miles walk afterwards?  Hell no!  Did I want a salad?  Definitely NOT!  Did I eat pizza and wings?  Yup.  Did I eventually use my stepper and at least reach 12,000 steps by the end of the day?  Uh huh.  Do I feel like a total failure right now?  Actually, no.  It's an interesting feeling to not feel like my day was a total disaster.  Oh darn, I'm still not perfect.  Shocker right there.

So is getting biopsies done that make me feel like s--t a good excuse?  I'll put that one somewhere in the middle.  I could have planned better, but feeling like crap is a hard thing to plan for as I don't regularly have to have my cervix pried open (since apparently it decided to close completely prior to this procedure).  I don't have kids.  I'm not familiar with that certain area of my body being cranked on.  It sucked.  I'm okay with not doing it again and therefore, hopefully will not be worrying about this as an excuse again!  Am I perseverating then? (Hey Blogger... Perseverating is a word, stop fricken telling me I'm spelling it wrong!) Yes... and no.  Excuses.  When can I tell myself that it's okay that I screwed up?  Only in extreme situations?  I'll go nuts. Again, I hate planning, but apparently I really need to get over that.

The snoring dog next to me is kind of a sign that it's past my bed time.

Stupid Cupcake

I made the mistake of watching one of those cooking reality shows last night.  I used to watch them all the time and now I'm realizing how dumb that was of me.  "MasterChef Junior" is an entertaining show, although it definitely contributes to my tendency to mindlessly stare at the TV in the evening.  They made cupcakes last night.  And I obsessed.  I wanted a fricken cupcake.  Specifically, a funfetti cupcake with chocolate frosting and extra sprinkles.  Instead of changing the show, I watched the rest like an idiot and drooled over the amazing cupcakes.

Then I went to the store and bought a chocolate cupcake with red frosting and sprinkles.

I haven't eaten it yet.

I guess it's a step in the right direction that I made myself hold on to the cupcake until today.  I planned it into my calorie count and will probably have to do some extra walking if I'm hoping to stay under my 1700 calorie limit.  Ugh.  The planning this takes.  Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah; it's all worth it in the end.  I get that.  Still doesn't change the fact that it's a royal pain to have to spend so much time every day figuring out what I can/cannot eat.  Plus factoring in the amount of time I need to spend being active now, that's a killer too.  Am I whining?  A little.  Am I allowed?  A little.  I mean, I know it'll get easier and I'll cut the *hit complaining eventually, but I'm going to give myself a little leeway to start.

Starting Point Take 2!

Let's start with the preachy "I got this" part of the post.  Then, move on to real life.  Bare with me for a minute...

Everyone has a starting point. With weight, it often comes with a starting point followed by a stopping one, then starting, stopping, starting, stopping, starting... Until you finally reach that juncture in life where you realize that this is something you can control. There are always excuses and different reasons why someone strays from their path, but there are also just as many (if not more) reasons to steer back on to the desired course. This is where I am.

Currently I would say I am at one of the lowest points in my life. I constantly think about how I'm just not good enough and am beyond just unhappy. I'm overweight, single, can't keep up with my bills, and spend most of my time wallowing in self pity. I always used to laugh at people talking about their "internal clocks" and the desire to do more with their life before they reach a point where they can no longer do as much as they once could. Now, I'm one of those people. I want kids. I want to find someone who I love so much that I want to marry and have a family with. I want to explore the world. Most of all, I want to do all of these things unrestrained by my own weight. I want to be happy with my life and myself. 

It's time to take back control. No more talking or dreaming about the life I could have if I wasn't stuck in such an obese body. No more making excuses and blaming circumstances. No more believing that the reason my life is in such disarray is because of my physical state. No more.

I decide what goes in my mouth, how much exercise I get, and the people I surround myself with. My past is exactly where it belongs, in the past, and it will no longer dictate my future. No sob stories, no more excuses. 

Now for real life...

I originally wrote the above post over a month ago.  I've been actively trying to lose weight now for about a week and a half.  Funny right?  I was all inspirational and thought that I was going to "grab life by the horns" and finally get a grip on life.  In no time I'd be pulling on my skinny jeans and laughing to myself as I saw guys out of the corner of my eye staring at me because I'm a hot woman, instead of a jiggling mess.  Where's the big buzzer you hit when you're so wrong that you deserve a slap in the face?

So what went wrong?  What took me from some infomercial personality to binge eating pizza, pasta, Chinese food, and well, anything I could stuff in my face?  I'd like to say I had some real, honest to God reason to fall off the band wagon so fast, but I'd be lying.  Honestly, I got some news shortly after I crashed and burned that should have inspired me to make a change immediately.  But I didn't.  Instead I fell further down the rabbit hole of self-pity and continued with my awesomely awful eating habits and laziness.

What changed?  I went for a walk.  Whoopty freakin doo, right?  Was this some magical walk that just made everything click into place and now I'm some amazing dieting goddess?  Nope.  However, it was a chance for me to think.  Uninterrupted and uninfluenced thinking.  I went back to my infomercial self for probably about 20 minutes of that walk, and then I got real with myself.  If I'm going to pull myself out of a depression and maybe start actually feeling better about myself physically and mentally, then I need to pull my head out of my a**.

Step One: Get all the crap in my fridge and cupboards out and healthier stuff in. 
Step Two: Move more.  Duh.
Step Three: Cut the *hit.  "Excuses are like *ssholes, everyone's got one."

I'm sure there are a million other steps I should have added, but starting small is kind of important as I tend to bail if I've got too much I'm trying to do at once.

What's working so far? 

I'm eating better and moving more.  

What's not working?

I'm still not loving life right now.  That's a work in progress.

Oh, and that bad news from above?  Triglycerides: 597.  Desired level: <150.  I'm in the "Very High/Dangerously High" Category.  

Cool kid. Right here.