Sleep...

The amount of sleep you get affects your day.  Duh.  

As many dozens of times as I have heard and experienced what sleep deprivation can do, I have to admit I was surprised by something that happened earlier this week.  It was the day after I made those silly Oreo turkeys and only got about 3.5 hours of sleep.  About half way through the day I was standing by some of the offices in school when I realized I was obsessing over food.  I also realized that the fact that I was so tired was a big part of why I couldn't stop thinking of every possible comfort food I normally turn to.  It was like some weird light bulb went off in my head and I understood exactly at that moment what my problem was.  Probably helps explain why Wednesday ended up being such a face plant.  I managed to fend off my urges that night, but not the next day.

I know that Wednesday won't be the last day I fall apart, but gradually building on my knowledge as to why will eventually help me decrease those days more and more.

Joining the gym tomorrow... Should be entertaining!

Thanksgiving Week Entertainment

Haven't disappeared, just been busy and distracted.

I definitely had the time to post over the past couple days, I just kind of slipped into my normal self-destruction.  It's always entertaining when you actually think through the crap that you're doing, but still do it... 

Monday night I made these for my students and colleagues for school on Tuesday...

 

The Northeastern that hit yesterday trapped me in my apartment and I made the mistake of stopping at a store on my way home and grabbing chips, dip and chicken fettuccine alfredo.  I knew that I shouldn't, but I still did. Part of me thought that since I had been good and walked just shy of six miles, I should get a prize.  Especially since I did a very graceful face plant in the Rite Aide parking lot.  The people who stopped to check on my probably thought I was nuts because I was laughing so hard.  The snow started when I was only about half done (an hour earlier then it was supposed to!), but I forced myself to keep going.  I was soaked, sore, and wanted something evil when I finished.

Don't stop at the store.
But you're going to be trapped for at least a day...
So! You have healthy food at home!
Thanksgiving is going to be a disaster anyways though, so why not!?
You're an idiot and you're going to get the crappy food, aren't you?
Yup.

Yeah... It was probably even more entertaining than that, but it's about all I can remember.  I really need to write the s--t down that goes through my head right off.  To make matters worse, the snow fell super fast and my little VW almost didn't make it up two different hills.  I thought I was going to get trapped in my car.  

I ate ALL of the food when I got home.  

And then ate tons of food today.

Sooooo... I'm getting back on track tomorrow and aiming to at least break even this week.  A loss would be a bonus, but a gain is still not something I'm okay with (when is anyone really okay with a gain unless they're a wrestler trying to go up a weight class?).  Which means I need to kick a** the next few days!

A group of colleagues and I always chip in when it's someone's birthday and one of my friends asked if they could actually get something extra useful for me.  My birthday is in just over two weeks and a few of my colleagues are aware of my health issues and my need to lose weight, so they're putting the money towards a gym membership for me.  My friend is kicking in the balance and I'll pay her back over the next few months (6 month membership).  Part of me wants to just pay it all back right off, but then I won't be accountable to her.  Is that weird?  Probably a bit.  

Time to finish the movie "Tammy" and get some sleep!



Snow (I live in Southern VT)...

 Shovel blade is 15"...

First Meal Out

Not a diet, a life change right?  Still feels like a diet right now.  And it kinda feels like I'm trapped in my apartment when it comes to food.  Planning.  There's that obnoxious fricken word again.    If I plan meals out, I can eat out.  Winging it is not a good idea.  Unless you're going to Applebee's.  Well, that's how I swung it today when my friend and I were trying to decide on where to go to lunch.  I knew that they have a low calorie section to their menu and I knew I could find something on it that I'd like.  Even with that knowledge, I still argued with myself about whether or not I was going to eat healthy. I'm sure the woman in the stall next to me in Applebee's bathroom totally thought I was nuts.  I might not have been all out talking, but I was definitely whispering to myself.  Weirdo, yup.  Did I order a healthy meal?  Yup.  Did I also get a side salad with regular ranch dressing? Ummm, maybe... So it wasn't a 100% success, but it was better than it would have been a few weeks ago.

I recommend Applebee's Roma Pepper Steak as it was super delicious.

Okay, I'm tired.

Let's Talk About Excuses...

What's a good excuse?  What's a bad one?

Wait, before we get into that... The fricken cupcake.  Eyeroll, Sigh, Single Finger Salute!

I ate half of it at lunch with the intention of saving the rest for dessert Thursday night.  I'm a teacher.  More specifically, I'm a Title I Reading Teacher who works closely with kids who often forget there are boundaries.  I knew I had to hide that cupcake if I wanted it to make it home.  I didn't hide it well enough.  When I went to pull it out of the basket I had put it in (and then put on top of a 7' shelf), I discovered that it was missing most of the frosting!  It was in a plastic container!  A mouse did not do that, but I'm suspicious of a certain student of mine who had red stained lips at the end of the day.  At first I was super annoyed and then... I was still annoyed, but also okay with it.  Talk about removing temptation.

ANYWAYS!

I've mentioned excuses before in a preachy manner and then in a more realistic one, but I have to ask the question; when are excuses legit?  Do you truly believe that excuses never are good enough? I'm torn right now, because I know I could have planned better and prepared myself for what I knew was going to be a potential disaster tonight.  I had biopsies done today.  Cervical and Endometrial (any guys still reading?).  By no means are these debilitating procedures, but they are not exactly comfortable.  Kind of like having menstrual cramps from hell... that last for hours and hours and potentially days.  Was I in the mood for my normal 3.5-4 miles walk afterwards?  Hell no!  Did I want a salad?  Definitely NOT!  Did I eat pizza and wings?  Yup.  Did I eventually use my stepper and at least reach 12,000 steps by the end of the day?  Uh huh.  Do I feel like a total failure right now?  Actually, no.  It's an interesting feeling to not feel like my day was a total disaster.  Oh darn, I'm still not perfect.  Shocker right there.

So is getting biopsies done that make me feel like s--t a good excuse?  I'll put that one somewhere in the middle.  I could have planned better, but feeling like crap is a hard thing to plan for as I don't regularly have to have my cervix pried open (since apparently it decided to close completely prior to this procedure).  I don't have kids.  I'm not familiar with that certain area of my body being cranked on.  It sucked.  I'm okay with not doing it again and therefore, hopefully will not be worrying about this as an excuse again!  Am I perseverating then? (Hey Blogger... Perseverating is a word, stop fricken telling me I'm spelling it wrong!) Yes... and no.  Excuses.  When can I tell myself that it's okay that I screwed up?  Only in extreme situations?  I'll go nuts. Again, I hate planning, but apparently I really need to get over that.

The snoring dog next to me is kind of a sign that it's past my bed time.

Stupid Cupcake

I made the mistake of watching one of those cooking reality shows last night.  I used to watch them all the time and now I'm realizing how dumb that was of me.  "MasterChef Junior" is an entertaining show, although it definitely contributes to my tendency to mindlessly stare at the TV in the evening.  They made cupcakes last night.  And I obsessed.  I wanted a fricken cupcake.  Specifically, a funfetti cupcake with chocolate frosting and extra sprinkles.  Instead of changing the show, I watched the rest like an idiot and drooled over the amazing cupcakes.

Then I went to the store and bought a chocolate cupcake with red frosting and sprinkles.

I haven't eaten it yet.

I guess it's a step in the right direction that I made myself hold on to the cupcake until today.  I planned it into my calorie count and will probably have to do some extra walking if I'm hoping to stay under my 1700 calorie limit.  Ugh.  The planning this takes.  Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah; it's all worth it in the end.  I get that.  Still doesn't change the fact that it's a royal pain to have to spend so much time every day figuring out what I can/cannot eat.  Plus factoring in the amount of time I need to spend being active now, that's a killer too.  Am I whining?  A little.  Am I allowed?  A little.  I mean, I know it'll get easier and I'll cut the *hit complaining eventually, but I'm going to give myself a little leeway to start.

Starting Point Take 2!

Let's start with the preachy "I got this" part of the post.  Then, move on to real life.  Bare with me for a minute...

Everyone has a starting point. With weight, it often comes with a starting point followed by a stopping one, then starting, stopping, starting, stopping, starting... Until you finally reach that juncture in life where you realize that this is something you can control. There are always excuses and different reasons why someone strays from their path, but there are also just as many (if not more) reasons to steer back on to the desired course. This is where I am.

Currently I would say I am at one of the lowest points in my life. I constantly think about how I'm just not good enough and am beyond just unhappy. I'm overweight, single, can't keep up with my bills, and spend most of my time wallowing in self pity. I always used to laugh at people talking about their "internal clocks" and the desire to do more with their life before they reach a point where they can no longer do as much as they once could. Now, I'm one of those people. I want kids. I want to find someone who I love so much that I want to marry and have a family with. I want to explore the world. Most of all, I want to do all of these things unrestrained by my own weight. I want to be happy with my life and myself. 

It's time to take back control. No more talking or dreaming about the life I could have if I wasn't stuck in such an obese body. No more making excuses and blaming circumstances. No more believing that the reason my life is in such disarray is because of my physical state. No more.

I decide what goes in my mouth, how much exercise I get, and the people I surround myself with. My past is exactly where it belongs, in the past, and it will no longer dictate my future. No sob stories, no more excuses. 

Now for real life...

I originally wrote the above post over a month ago.  I've been actively trying to lose weight now for about a week and a half.  Funny right?  I was all inspirational and thought that I was going to "grab life by the horns" and finally get a grip on life.  In no time I'd be pulling on my skinny jeans and laughing to myself as I saw guys out of the corner of my eye staring at me because I'm a hot woman, instead of a jiggling mess.  Where's the big buzzer you hit when you're so wrong that you deserve a slap in the face?

So what went wrong?  What took me from some infomercial personality to binge eating pizza, pasta, Chinese food, and well, anything I could stuff in my face?  I'd like to say I had some real, honest to God reason to fall off the band wagon so fast, but I'd be lying.  Honestly, I got some news shortly after I crashed and burned that should have inspired me to make a change immediately.  But I didn't.  Instead I fell further down the rabbit hole of self-pity and continued with my awesomely awful eating habits and laziness.

What changed?  I went for a walk.  Whoopty freakin doo, right?  Was this some magical walk that just made everything click into place and now I'm some amazing dieting goddess?  Nope.  However, it was a chance for me to think.  Uninterrupted and uninfluenced thinking.  I went back to my infomercial self for probably about 20 minutes of that walk, and then I got real with myself.  If I'm going to pull myself out of a depression and maybe start actually feeling better about myself physically and mentally, then I need to pull my head out of my a**.

Step One: Get all the crap in my fridge and cupboards out and healthier stuff in. 
Step Two: Move more.  Duh.
Step Three: Cut the *hit.  "Excuses are like *ssholes, everyone's got one."

I'm sure there are a million other steps I should have added, but starting small is kind of important as I tend to bail if I've got too much I'm trying to do at once.

What's working so far? 

I'm eating better and moving more.  

What's not working?

I'm still not loving life right now.  That's a work in progress.

Oh, and that bad news from above?  Triglycerides: 597.  Desired level: <150.  I'm in the "Very High/Dangerously High" Category.  

Cool kid. Right here.